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"Just trying to be helpful!" MARIO TAMA / GETTY IMAGES

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! And even though we both fly, we give each other space and not the evil eye. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Special Counsel Robert Mueller has suggested no jail time for Trump co-conspirator and former National Security Adviser Michael Flynn for the "substantial" help he's given in no less than THREE investigations. The details of these investigations were heavily redacted, but this is verrrrrrry terrible news for the most corrupt president in history.


Following a CIA briefing, a bipartisan group of senators—including sniveling Trump lackey Lindsey Graham—are now convinced that the Saudi prince (who continues to be protected by the president) ordered the gruesome murder of journalist/dissident Jamal Khashoggi.

Just in case you need further proof of the overwhelming political corruption of Republicans, the Wisconsin GOP passed a series of bills that will limit the power of the incoming Democratic governor—and people are rightly PISSED.

Speaking of even MORE Republican corruption: Read this story about how news outlets have been tracking down the Republicans responsible for North Carolina's outrageous election fraud.

The funeral of former President George H.W. Bush will happen today at Washington National Cathedral. (Trump, meanwhile, traveled in a stretch limo with an eight car motorcade to meet the grieving family. The trip was a total of 250 yards.)


Because he has no idea how the internet works, Trump sycophant Rudy Giuliani was the recipient of a very sweet burn from an Arizona web developer.

The garbage dump that is Facebook, just keeps getting garbage-ier: According to British lawmakers, the social media giant has been selectively offering preferred advertisers access to valuable user data. BOOOO!! Why don't you hate these people more than you do?

PETA has asked the world to stop using "anti-animal" phrases like "killing two birds with one stone," and the internet responded with, "Please shut up, you're fucking annoying us to death."

IN LOCAL NEWS: A "decorative panel" about the size of a car's bumper fell off the OHSU aerial tram and hit a young woman in the head who, miraculously, escaped with only a bump and a scratch.

It looks like the city of Portland is ready to approve a new unit of unarmed police officers that will respond to low-level crimes.

Oh, and as it turns out, the super gross white nationalist Proud Boys group has not been designated as an extremist group by the FBI (according to the FBI). They are still super gross.

Remember the PSU student who was found unconscious next to Amtrak railroad tracks in California a few months ago, and was a suspected victim of a hate crime? While Amtrak claimed it was a suicide attempt, the young man says otherwise.

Now let's examine the WEATHER: Looks like another cool, clear, sunny day with a high of 47.

And finally, oh, apparently I've been using a can opener wrong for... (checks watch)... MY ENTIRE LIFE.